It happens everyday. A woman is abused…physically, emotionally, verbally, mentally. Physical abuse happens all too often to entirely too many women. But she’s not hit by some random stranger. She’s hit by the man she’s married to or lives with, the man that she loves and who is supposed to love her. So why doesn’t she just leave him?
Unfortunately, it sounds easy to just walk away. But it’s not that easy. The man who abuses the woman will usually threaten her in various ways. He will tell her that if she leaves, he will hurt her or her loved ones. He might threaten to hurt himself. Too often the man degrades the woman, so much so that she believes no one else would have her, that she has no place to go, that it’s her fault he loses control and hits her. And in some warped way, she believes that the attention he gives her by abusing her is better than no attention, and that it’s love. So she stays with him and the cycle continues.
A woman who is abused often has very low self esteem. The man who abuses her often does also. He feels he has no control over his life and therefore seeks to control the woman, and in his mind demeaning her and hurting her will make her stay with him, because he has her thinking she can’t survive without him.
Often the man who abuses was abused himself earlier in life, or witnessed abuse. He has a need to try to control and that need often turns into abusing the woman he is with. In general these men appear to be very caring and supportive, when in essence they are really very insecure and afraid of losing the woman they are abusing.
There are many excuses that a man gives for abusing a woman. He can call it love, he can say he is protecting her, he can say his wife will do as he says, he can say she needs someone to keep her in line, he can say she can’t make it without him, he can say she deserves it. It’s still abuse, it’s not love, but there is hope for him if he can see what he is doing.
Too many women think that they can change their abusive man. They believe him when he says he won’t hit them again after he does it again and again. They hide the bruises, they lie about how about why they have to cancel plans with friends, they cover up for him and the cycle continues. The only one that can change the abusive man is the man himself. He has to see what he is doing and want to change. No one can stop his controlling nature for him. But the woman can get out of that dangerous living situation. She can leave. She can have a peaceful life, and one without being hit on and abused.
There are battered women’s shelters all over the country. A woman always has a place that she can go to escape abuse. If a woman is threatened, this is a safe place to go. While sometimes a man who threatens will actually carry out that threat, that’s more rare than the norm. Threats are usually lame attempts to keep the woman from leaving.
Stay with a friend, family, even church members. There is always a place to go, and a way out. A woman who hasn’t worked and doesn’t have income can get help! There’s schooling, there are jobs, there is a way out. It’s not always easy to start over, but the freedom and peace of mind make it all worth it.
One of the hardest parts will be the decision of whether to go back to the man that was hurting you when he says he has changed. People DO change, and there is hope for a man that has abused his wife. To lump all abusers into one basket and say don’t go back is just wrong. Some do change, but some don’t. A lot really depends on the man, his background, his desire to overcome his past, how much he really wants to change, and how much he really wants his wife back in his life.
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